Welcoming a new baby is a wonderful and life changing event but it can be overwhelming at times for dads, as well as mums.

(This article contains material of a highly sensitive nature regarding child birth trauma that may be triggering for some individuals)

Increasing numbers of studies point to around one in 10 fathers experiencing serious mental health issues in the 12 months following the birth of their child.

“Since new dads often don’t get as much attention as new mums, it’s much easier for their needs to be overlooked,” explains ±«ÓăÊÓÆ”counsellor Sarah Wheatley, who runs Birth and Beyond, based in Edinburgh.

One dad told us: ‘It was all about my wife, which I quite understand. She bled badly and the baby was grey on delivery. I thought I would lose them both, but I had no one to talk this through with.”

“And because some of the behaviours that men can display after their child is born often seen as being uncaring towards the mother, that can mean that they also receive criticism and feel shame, when actually they need support.”

±«ÓăÊÓÆ”members Sarah Wheatley and Madeleine Kingsley have explored common issues and signs on how to spot if a new dad is struggling – and how therapy can help.

Dads can be vulnerable and traumatised

“It’s the mums who are perceived as vulnerable. But dads too report feeling traumatised by difficult births and they don’t have the injection of oxytocin to aid forgetting,” says couples counsellor Madeleine Kingsley.

She adds: “The aftershock of delivery, the leaden exhaustion of broken sleep compounded by anxiety, the concern about are we doing this even halfway right and the pressure of 24/7 baby care is a more commonly reported experience than Hallmark greetings card euphoria.

“And I’ve noticed that it can be even harder for dads to adjust because they’re only the supporting act to centre stage mums who, quite rightly, receive the midwifery care, the emotional and practical postnatal support of family and friends, the flowers and pampering gifts,” she adds.

Feeling ‘left out’

The therapists say that dads are sometimes unprepared for the impact a new child can have on their relationship.“I’ve worked with dad who were completely unprepared for the lost connection, which they didn’t recognise as just temporary. They lacked the words to describe their sense of loneliness and unimportance,” says Sarah.

“They were duly bowled over by the baby, but they still had the sense that this all-absorbing new mum and baby scenario left little room for them. And they didn’t know how to talk about feeling disregarded without sounding like a 1950s relic demanding attention, pipe, slippers and conjugal rights.

“It’s now quite usual for mum and baby to sleep in one room and dad in another, mitigating against even a snuggle. And I hear of this arrangement going on for months, even years,” she adds.

Madeleine says: “About 60 per cent of my couples work is with partners seeking to recover the emotional connection and erotic spark they had before becoming new parents.”

Loss of ‘freedom’

Sarah thinks the fact that couples now start their families much later (sometimes 10 or , even 20 years after their grandparents would have done) means that there are greater tensions around loss of freedom.

“Dads say that they thought they were ready to embrace the next stage of life, but didn’t realise how much they were giving up - from carefree travel to a quick gym workout.”

Not embracing the ‘mental load’

“Couples often agree that they will share the parental workload, and arguments ensue about dads not doing enough around the house or embracing the ’mental load’ in the first year of parenthood,” says Sarah.

“I often hear men sounding bewildered because they believe they are doing 50/50. In counselling sessions I’ve joked that both partners are doing their utmost but when a child comes along the workload ramps up to 150 not 100 per cent so neither’s contribution can ever be enough.”

“More help and support is needed, but if the couple have moved from away from extended family, it’s hard to access,” she adds.

So how can we notice if a new dad is struggling?

“Typical signs include working more than usual or being overly preoccupied with practical aspects such as equipment or routines, which can bring a lot of conflict into the relationship if there’s real focus on ‘getting things right,” says Sarah.

“Also changes in behaviour such as being more irritable and reactive or being more withdrawn can be signs that a new dad is processing a lot of feelings and maybe doesn’t know what to do with them.”

How to start a conversation about dad’s feelings

Sarah suggests taking a less direct route to start a conversation about his feelings.

“It can be hard to start these kinds of conversations directly, so talking about what you notice can be a way in. A phrase such as “I’ve noticed that you seem to be doing x, y, or z 
 more than usual, and I’m wondering if you’re feeling a bit stressed/ worried/ unimportant?”

“Try creating a space where you can both try to describe what you’re feeling. This show’s you value their experience too and that they’re also important.”

Therapy can help

“Therapy for new parents gives the couple the chance of a rare hour for just the two of them to explore both overwhelm and undisclosed stresses of new parenthood,” shares Madeleine., “It’s an opportunity to reconnect, recognise the positives and reset intentions for emotional and physical intimacy. Even if (quite commonly on zoom) baby comes too!”

Sarah says there are various options for new dads to access support.,

“You can try speaking to the NHS to see what they offer in your area, or you can find local support groups for dads (which might also offer individual peer support). Private therapy is also an option, since that can be online if there is nothing local.”

To find a therapist who can help you, please visit our Therapist Directory or our ‘how to get therapy’ page.